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The Greensborian


GREENSBORO- In a cathartic whirlwind of destructive exuberance, fans wreaked havoc on the streets of Greensboro Wednesday evening in celebration of the UNCG Quidditch team’s regional championship victory. Following the team’s tense 190-90 win over rival Elon College for the Southeast Regional Quidditch Championship in front of a record-breaking crowd of 20,000 spectators, students and supporters took to the streets en masse to voice their support for the victors. However, what started as good-natured celebration quickly turned violent when the defeated Elon team tried to leave the pitch.

According to eyewitness reports, the visiting team was mobbed to chants of “Fuck you Squibs!” and wantonly attacked. The Elon team’s broomsticks were allegedly taken by force, broken, and used to kindle a massive bonfire on the corner of Spring Garden and Aycock. Retreating Elon players and fans alike were pelted with expedient “bludgers” ranging from eggs and dodgeballs to cinder blocks and copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the heftiest volume in the award-winning young adult fantasy series.

The UNCG Police officers on hand were quickly overwhelmed by the chaos, and more than half an hour passed before 150 officers of the Greensboro Police Crisis Response Team arrived in full riot gear, by which time rioters had spread through campus and the surrounding neighborhoods and were looting, destroying property and throwing so-called “Goblets of Fire.”

Following the extensive implementation of batons, pepper spray, and tasers, the last of the demonstrators dispersed around 3:00am, sources say. In a press conference this morning, Greensboro Chief of Police Don Truncheon addressed the estimated $3 million in damages caused by the riot, much of which resulted from the looting of local businesses: 

"Walgreens has reported the loss of their entire stock of Big Flats and Freedom Salute. Approximately 135 lbs. of Gyro meat was stolen from Jack’s Corner Mediterranean Restaurant. On campus, the UNCG bookstore lost a staggering $35,000 worth of merchandise in the form of six textbooks. Additionally, the dormitories being constructed on Lee Street burned to the ground, although we believe this was unrelated to the riot," Truncheon stated.

When questioned about the team’s culpability in the riots, UNCG Quidditch captain and All-Conference seeker Max Davewhich denied any participation or wrongdoing:

"Nah, bruh. It’s great that the fans care so much, but we had nothing to do with it," Davewhich stated. "After the W last night, the whole team hunkered down at my place and puffed some huffle with a couple of fineass witches. I mean, team spirit’s cool and all, but I got into Quidditch for the pussy."